For one, I'm sitting at my kitchen table, surrounded by family: Wife, son, mother-in-law. Sunday conversations rippling nicely across this oak table. Kids coming and going from this place - this warm place - as the winds blow chilly outside and so many are not so blessed as I.
I have been in much worse places than this. Sometimes, in the cold, dark anxious places hidden in my mind and ingrained in my heart, the actual concrete decision to leave the light and enter the darkness seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
For much of the last two years, I have been away from this home; dancing with hungry ghosts, flirting with the purchased souls of the dysfunctional Crown-Indigenous relationship, hiding in my room, away from the world, away from even myself.
Not all the time mind you. Maybe even only 10% of the time. 90% of the time, I would be present, or at least as present as my varying condition would allow, or repentant, or heartbroken, or lonely and driven, or any combination of a number of the emotions and/or blankness that float to the surface when one is trying to heal.
This ratio is maybe what perpetuates the delusion that "I'm ok".. or "It's not that bad."
Nine steps forward.
One step back.
At least it would seem that way. But that's not how healing works. The back step is a big one. Like the route from the 44 to the 20 in the picture.
Funny. That's my age. And that's about right: Right from old man to immature, unaccountable 20 year old should I choose to look that snake in the eye and tell him I ain't afraid of his poison.
The pride and hubris that comes from lying to one's self for so long and having enough "wins" to perpetuate those lies are hard co-conspirators to shed.
Healing is the key. This is the process that brings us to the ladder rungs that can lead us out of the darkness. It is perpetual, easily tasted, but fleeting as the quark; for when you "know" it is there, it is there: Strong, measurable, reassuring. But when you look at it, to magnify this reassurance, it is gone; dancing away on a wavelength half the breadth of a sigh.
Now clean; now committed; now present; more so than ever. My present condition is the sum of all the 90% decisions that fed my spirit, honoured myself, family and world. The world has indeed come up to meet me with bells on. I was led to a path of humility and honesty this past year. It just so happened I was equipped for this moment. All my learnings, failures, stumbles and precious moments brought me the tools I have put to work.
I tell you though: I am a helluva piece of work. Many outdated, unnecessary concepts of self ingrained into the structure.
Case in point: Today, my love has to tell me, "Sheldon: I will tell you something ground shaking and that will change your life. You are NOT a garbage can."
This of course is the sense that grows from childhood poverty and food scarcity; the sense that I have to eat everything I see when I see it; that to scrape a plate that contains any edible food is tantamount to burning hope.
One silent tear rolls clumsily down my right cheek at this dawning realization. And at once, a chorus of "garbage guts" - one of my childhood nicknames - resonates in the lonely auditorium in my mind.
It is in the moments between the decisions that healing takes root; helps to shape our ever changing psyche. "Neuroplasticity" they say in English circles. The brain is always capable of change.
Sometimes what it likes is not what it needs. We need to be aware of these deceptions and challenge ourselves to "know" better. Both figuratively AND literally. We can "know" better. We need to train ourselves. To "know" is not a static recall from our mind's eye. It is action.
It is memory, awareness, emotion, experience, fear, hope and a host of other emotional triggers and responses superimposed over our internal physical dopamine responses at critical moments in our history.
If we want change, we must "know" change.
I didn't lose 30 lbs in 2014 from wishing and hoping. I lost it by waking up nearly every morning and remembering what it would take to change my body's shape; by dragging my increasingly sore ass out of the bed, doing some stretches and calisthenics to get the motor running and the blood moving, and then to the gym, where I focused on cardio and mild strength training.
I then used a mental fitbit and calorie counter all day long, working to expend energy every chance I got and remembering not to ingest more fuel than was absolutely needed to survive and not feel dizzy and nauseous. This I had to do to undo all those years of being gluttonous with both food and alcohol.
I knew this in my every cell what I had to do. This is active knowing.
In Cree we say "mahmtoonicigan": Mahm-toon-each-i-gan. Knowing. Or using the mind.
But we must also acknowledge our heart: "Mitahiy." Mit-a-hey. Rather your heart: "Kitihiy ochi."
These two require our utmost efforts sometimes to remain connected, but truly, it does get easier over time.
It is my sincere belief that we are all equipped with precisely what we need to be the best selves we can be. Sometimes we need to strip ourselves down to our roughest, our dirtiest, our most ashamed cores in order to awaken the internal, prescient and powerful knowledge - which I believe is our connection to Creator or the Universe.
Sometimes we believe lies and deceptions and social constructs and other humans, thinking they are privileged with secrets and truths that we don't know, and follow along, tumbling through archway after archway of what we believe are achievements and stepping stones to happiness, only to find that we lost our selves along the way and must strip ourselves back to our true selves and engage in different more honest ways.
Our mind and our hearts are tool enough but they require the support, guidance and direction of the spirit.
My late mom used to say that mind was how we saw ourselves, body was how others saw us and spirit is who we truly were.
I miss that old lady.
On this day, I am proud. Proud to be who I am and proud of the relationships in my life; though many require further healing, I am proud still to know this.
I am proud of my children, each perfect in their own blessed and unique way. In healing and learning from my deepening and growing relationships with each one, I am learning the miraculous lesson of unconditional love.
I am proud of my partner and my family, who have both stood by me for so long, patiently waiting for me to "know" that life can be better.
Do not be afraid to move through your self imposed limitations; your broken hearts, your fears and your deceptive comforts.
The world is waiting with an open heart. Just like this.
S.
If anyone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting
will look, lift your face
and say,
Like this.
When someone mentions the gracefulness
of the nightsky, climb up on the roof
and dance and say,
Like this.
If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God’s fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.
When someone quotes the old poetic image
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings
of your robe.
Like this.
If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,
don’t try to explain the miracle.
Kiss me on the lips.
Like this. Like this.
When someone asks what it means
to "die for love," point
here.
If someone asks how tall I am, frown
and measure with your fingers the space
between the creases on your forehead.
This tall.
The soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.
When someone doesn’t believe that,
walk back into my house.
Like this.
When lovers moan,
they’re telling our story.
Like this.
I am a sky where spirits live.
Stare into this deepening blue,
while the breeze says a secret.
Like this.
When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand.
Like this.
How did Joseph’s scent come to Jacob?
Huuuuu.
How did Jacob’s sight return?
Huuuu.
A little wind cleans the eyes.
Like this.
When Shams comes back from Tabriz,
he’ll put just his head around the edge
of the door to surprise us
Like this.”
― Rumi
