I write today from the bottom of a long steep hill that I have allowed myself to tumble down. I write today, alone, away from my family, my children, my love. I write today because no one will talk to me. All they have ever heard from me are words. I write today as though I am speaking to my love, because she can't bring herself to hear anymore lies and excuses from my mouth anymore.
So much happening in the world around me, the world that I keep ducking out of.
Life.
Simple sometimes. The best things in life are so simple. Like becoming a father. Simple. Being one? Not so much.
At least not for me. Not right now. My heart is just fucking broked... Just fucking broked all up because of how I have treated my kids. Every single one of them. I have done everything possible to strain the ties between us all.
All I ever wanted to be is a dad. I remember being small and my dad not being there, how alone and afraid and unworthy I felt. How I thought, "If I was a Dad, I would hold my son so tight..." or "I will never leave my kids... Ever..."
Bullshit.
At least my dad only ever left once.
I keep leaving, over and over again. "No really, this time I mean it... I will be right back." Poof.
Fuckin' guy. What kind of fuckin' guy have I become?
I respect all those men out there who are there, day in and day out for their families. Men who sacrifice of themselves, give of their hearts and bodies so that others may live better, easier. Real daddies. Not dickheads.
I'm pretty sure I have it in me. Reasonably sure.
I will write this evening to you my love. Because I don't have to you speak to right now. Because you are protecting those you love and yourself... Protecting them from a wolf in daddy's clothing.
I will write some more tomorrow. I am so sleepy. Running and running and running from responsibility and truth and honour and faith and love and all that is good in the world really takes its toll on a body.
Love to you.
S.
No comments:
Post a Comment