Honesty. The only way to move forward, to change. "Those who can not recover... are men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates..." or something like that goes the Big Book of AA.
"Addiction as a disease" school of thought would have me believe that there is an active devilish entity inside of me, clamouring to bring me to death and destruction; to spiritual ruin. "It wasn't me that took off, it was the addict inside of me." Unfortunately he had the keys to the rest of me.
Yesterday I opted for "more of the same" instead of the much more desireable "change for the better." In short, I decided to sit in my shit and feel sorry for myself - thinking about the big pile of shit I created and the amount of work and patience and diligence and effort it would take to get through it... I then opted out of the whole stinking thing.
Wrong move.
I need to be in the now. In this moment. Everything in this moment is doable. Our bodies and minds cannot cope with the future or the past. We are constructed to be able to handle the "now."
So here I am, back in the moment.
How sick. I decide to open my wounds and rip apart the bandages and show my scabs and warts to the world, and then I have what my sons would call an "EPIC FAIL."
It is not so bad. It certainly is not as bad as it seems. My life is only hard and twisted and difficult when I am trying to be a using addict. When I step forward and move with the light, my life becomes infinitely easier.
My heart breaks right now... <sigh> Thinking not only of how much pain and bullshit I have heaped on my poor, undeserving family, but how much I have heaped on me. I haven't deserved to be treated this way either. I keep pulling the rug out from under me, like I don't feel worthy of happiness, success, contentment.
Day one again. "Please God, help guide my steps that I have no more "Day Ones."... That I may better serve Thy Will always. That I may walk as Thou would me walk, do as Thou would have me do. Amen."
Now this Blog will be 368 entries, but for now, I will just commit to doing one today. One day at a time.
I'm moving on... God I remember standing in a circle with about 60 other people, swaying to this song, a fresh beautiful blue-green marble around my neck in a hand made moosehide pouch. Poundmaker's Lodge. So many years my family has been connected to that place; since its inception. Feeling so happy and clean and hopeful. But so fragile, so unprotected. I was so scared. I remember telling my counsellor all those years ago "It's so fucking easy staying clean in here, but how can I do it out there?!"
Stripping away at the ego and its bullshit, it leaves one feeling bare and defenseless. You know, I needed my ego all those years ago to protect me. Life was pretty hard. I lived in the shadow of a mountain for many years, and maybe felt I needed that bulletproof construct to keep me alive. I don't need that shell anymore.
Walk with the light, trust in Creator, and stay firmly in the moment. I don't want anymore day ones.
I feel the need to pursure selflessness, to help others. Take the focus off my selfish thinking.
Heaven is eternal - the earth endures.
Why do heaven and earth last forever?
They do not live for themselves only.
This is the secret of their durability.
For this reason the sage puts himself last
and so ends up ahead.
He stays a witness to life,
so he endures.
Serve the needs of others,
and all your own needs will be fulfilled.
Through selfless action, fulfillment is attained.
7th Verse of the Tao Te Ching
The chapters with Sheldon as the star need to come to a close. Time to become a supporting actor to those around me. Distill the bullshit into pure unadulterated love. No more talk today. Just walk.
Today I will sing my own song. (Remember that day Leo?)
Love to you all.
S.
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