Day Three...

Funny...  I get a gentle little push today reminding me that I didn't blog yesterday.  See, I even start to waver in my commitments; it only takes a few short hours for the best laid plans to turn into water under the bridge.  Thanks for the reminder.

In fact, yesterday was a very difficult day.  My family travelled to the north pole in order that T. could do some valuable work.  I stayed because I have much work to do here.  So, alone I was.  Sad and alone.  Realizing how much life my children and wife inspire in me.  My energy level just drained. My intentions were good, as they usually are - i.e. I wanted to hit a nice Sunday evening meeting, wanted to blog until the cows came home and enjoy the quiet and the time to myself.  But instead, I sat on the couch, watching movies and eating spicy food, feeling bad for not following through on at least the meeting that I had intended.

 Today I am reminded that addiction is a disease of loneliness.  That it can be fed by loneliness and solitude.   That it tends to be the inability to want to be in one's own skin that can drive the first attempt to "pick up."

Please carry me from this place.

Lots of work to do; cleaning up wreckage, creating new pathways and new opportunities.  Honouring old commitments.  Learning how to love one's self.

Today I would much rather stay in bed all day and hide from the sun, from the shame, from the responsibility and from the fear.  But I can't.  A gentle little push from Thunder Bay is all it takes this morning.

My wife says to me a couple years ago that I will be remembered for the addict behaviour and bullshit, not for anything else.  She means it well, as a means of inspiration...  As in "get off your ass and smarten up, or this will be all anyone sees when they look at you..."  Inside, I thought, "She's crazy.  There is so much I've done.  So many people I've touched.  So many roses among the thorns.

But the ones who really know me, who really see me...  They know.  When I stop calling.  When I don't check in on Facebook.  When my phone goes to answering machine.  <sigh>  Change.  Time to change.

I have lots to do today and I better get to it.  I will blog again this evening to make up for my errant Sunday night.  Apologies to those who require one.  I will leave you with a beautiful song from a beautiful soul.  Poor Shannon...  Bee Girl...  Always felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb.  Like he didn't fit anywhere...  He hoped so deeply that the birth of his child Nico Blue would keep him grounded, keep him sane.  <sigh>  We love you still Shannon Hoon.  God bless you wherever you are.  And God please make life easy for the ones he left behind.

S.