So I am grabbing the keys for the first time in several months. My heart is jabbering away in my chest - worried, excited, nervous... Just fibrillating away, making me feel out of breath. Just because I'm asking it to feel. I was fine a few minutes ago, until I read some of my writing and saw the beauty and compassion and wit and love. Then I figured I better write again; loosen up a bit. Get ready for this next stage.
And now I'm fibrillating.
Could be the Ritalin that I've decided to stop. Funny, forty-two years of unmedicated lunacy and then the diagnosis and subsequent prescription. I spose I haven't given it a proper chance though: I've been using consistently. I thought that perhaps my frequent disappearances were because my mind needed a break from the constant high level thinking I was doing (insert sardonic grin here). Saw the parallels in ADD symptom and my behaviour and sought to bridge the gaps, synaptic that is, with legal psychoactive medications.
Bullshit.
I like crack. I like the way it tastes and I like the first few hits. Period. No romantic psychobabble or esoteric interpretations. If I was a dog, I would probably lick my balls too. I have, since the earliest memories, overdone those things that bring me pleasure. (interpret how you see fit) And the natural progression of this behaviour has led me to the street and to the devil's dick. (a slang for a crack pipe)
15 years. 15 fucking years of using. All the while, perpetuating some kind of weak illusion of being a smart, sensitive Indian man with traditional values and compassion.
How compassionate is it to pawn my son's spiderman fishing rod?
These behaviours do not define me. I am more than this deluded thinking and acting would have one believe. But if I keep doing it, keep perpetuating the lies and self destructive act, I am this in toto.
These words today are scattered, jabbering.... a little disconnected. So am I. All over the fucking map. I have been thinking so much of what I should do, what I should have done, could have done. Thinking all the while of what I could be doing right now that is conducive to my recovery, to my family's and my health. Doing it a little bit and then jumping off the fucking deep end again.
This is my start. Again. A first stab at self awareness and liberating the convoluted thinking and feelings that cram my heart and mind like so many peanut can snakes.
I don't want to hurt the ones I love anymore. I can see a way out of the misery, pain, fear and suffering. It starts with honesty. I will do my best.
Love to all,
even me.
S.
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